


Dressing the Paladin

by ElevatorAction13



Category: Hellsing
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-23 15:50:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13193388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElevatorAction13/pseuds/ElevatorAction13
Summary: Enrico Maxwell has to struggle to get Anderson to accept new clothing. He may be an excellent fighter, but the Paladin seriously suffers in matters relating to self-care.





	1. Raggedy Andy

“What. In the world. Are you wearing?” 

Enrico Maxwell, forehead pinched between his fingers, sighed as he viewed the pathetic sight in front of him. The Paladin just shrugged.

“My cassock. Dinnae beh sae dramatic.”

“Father Anderson you look as if a child threw their Raggedy Ann doll into a wood chipper and then tried to sew it back together. I, I am feeling physical pain just looking at you-why are you wearing that!” He gestured violently and angrily towards the nonchalant priest, who was still standing casually in front of his desk. 

“Et’s meh last uniform. Ahn et’s fine. As ae matter o’ fact Ah think et looks pretty guid, considering whit et’s been through. Dinnae insult meh handiwork.”

The results of Anderson’s “handiwork” were painfully obvious to any viewer unlucky enough to see it. While admittedly a skilled mender of clothes, some clothes just weren’t meant to be saved. Most of the original fabric was gone, all replaced by a miss-mash of different patches of fabric. Most patches tried to be close to the original colors; some parts were now comprised of a velvety gray fabric, some were faded purple pajama fabric, and some parts, Enrico could swear, were the old curtains that Anderson had hanging in his room. That on itself looked bad, but what made it an eye sore was the fact that Anderson thought it’d be a swell plan to incorporate old children’s clothes into it. Cutesy giraffes danced near his collar, little rosebuds and daisies trailed down his back, and one part, right on his chest, no joke, had a big, old spaghetti sauce stain all over the white snowflake print. 

That wasn’t even including the pants, that when not comprised of the completely charred original fabric, was made entirely of bed sheets. Enrico knew those bed sheets. He had slept in those bed sheets, he and Anderson had slept together in those bed sheets, lots of illicit activities had happened on those bed sheets, and here Anderson was, wearing them on his legs for everyone to see.

It was hell, pure hell to look at and Enrico wanted nothing more at that moment than to BURN IT. 

“Is that?” Enrico got up and walked around his desk to inspect the bottom of the cassock, ignoring Anderson’s grunts of disapproval as he crouched down and looked at the badly charred hem. “This is the cassock you wore on the Milan mission! The one where you almost burned to death? Why in the world did you try to save this?”

“Et’s meh last one Maxwell! Are ye deaf lad?” Anderson huffed and stepped back, meeting his superior’s disapproving glare with his own. “Ah fixed et ahn et’s fine, unlike ye Ah dinnae run out tae drop hundreds o’ dollars on clothes anytime meh shirt gets ae stain.” 

“Alexander Anderson you are the trump card of the Vatican, the strongest of my men, the most exquisite representation of God’s judgment upon earth, and a representative of Iscariot’s might to our enemies I am NOT allowing you to look like a hobo we dragged off the train tracks!” Enrico jabbed a finger into the mountain-of-man’s chest. “New uniforms and vestments have just come in today for all operatives, go down to Acquisitions and collect your clothes and change!” 

“Uhh, yeah, that’s not going tae happen.”

Anderson smirked and crossed his arms over his chest.” 

Enrico, baffled, put his hands into the air. “Then I’ll have them sent to your room what is wrong with you? Is this about money? Anderson you need to be dressed appropriately! I already cut your clothing budget like you nagged me to do FOR SO LONG and now this!” He waved disgustedly at the ugly clothing. “Why are you being so difficult?”

“They’re really nice!”

Both the Paladin and the Bishop looked to their right, where a young assistant was organizing some papers. The shy, blonde-haired spectacled man blushed with embarrassment. “I mean, the new uniforms Sir! Paladin Anderson! Uhm, if you’re worried about that, I mean…” He trailed off and hid himself in his work again. 

Anderson sighed and softened. “Aye, Ah’m sure they are. Ye wearing et now then?”

“Yes!” The assistant stood up to show off his new clothes. They were smart, fit him perfectly and were made of high-quality material. It was obvious that despite being Iscariot vestments, no expense was spared. 

“Aye, looks great lad.” Anderson shot the young man a friendly thumbs-up, and the assistant beamed proudly at such approval before going back to his work. Anderson then turned to Enrico, his face dark. “Ye got those designer made again didn’t ye?”

It was the bishop’s turn to act casual, as he shrugged and inspected his manicured nails. “So what if I did?”

“Enricoooooo!” Anderson cried out into the air and held his head in frustration. “Yer wasting money!”

“Wasting money? This is CLOTHING! It’s a necessity! It’s a business expense! For you and everyone else here! You should be grateful I take such good care of my people!”

“This es exactly why Ah requested nae new clothes this year Maxwell! Ye always spend tae damn much on them!”

“Wait, wait you did what now?” Enrico froze, the realization of what Anderson had done behind his back seeping in. “ANDERSON! NO! Dammit Anderson do you know how long it’s going to take to make you a new set? I can’t believe, you’re such a miser!”

“Ye call et miserly, Ah call et thrifty. Ahn ye shuid thank meh, ye can put th’ money wasted on ye dressing meh up on important things.”

“Oh like what? Feeding you 20 meals a day? If you’re so worried about budgets and money then how about you cut food costs down by not devouring a whole cow everyday?” 

“Ah need tae eat, Ah can’t help meh appetite. Ah’m ae big boy.” 

“Whatever!” Enrico relented and stormed back to his desk. “I’m going to just order you more clothes, AND instruct them to ignore anymore requests of yours. If you’re so worried about clothing costs, then maybe you should take better care of yourself, like, for instance, learning how to dodge, or not getting caught in fires.”

Anderson snorted. “Why dodge when Ah dinnae ‘ave tae? Ahn ye can’t dodge fire Maxwell. Ye gotta barrel through et.”

“You can dodge fire.” The assistant chipped in innocently. “You just, stay away from it and stay low to the ground! You know, so you don’t breath in smoke! That’s the killer after all!” 

“Aye, thank ye Francis, Ah’ll keep that en mind.” Anderson gave the man an exhausted but patient smile. “Ye been on any missions lately?”

“No Sir, I’ve been busy here, helping our Leader!”

“Ahh, well, ye’re doing great.”

“Thank you Father Anderson!”

“Francis, could you do me a favor?” Enrico interrupted, finishing writing a note on a sheet of official paper. “Run this down to Father Bernard for me would you?” 

“Yes Bishop Maxwell!” The priest trotted over and took the folded note carefully, and gave his leader a small bow. “I’ll be right back!” 

“Take your time, no hurry. Thank you Francis.” Enrico said kindly to the young man, and the two men watched as he bounded out the door. 

“Nice ahn obedient, perfect fer ye.” 

“Shut up Anderson. He’s been fantastic at alleviating some of my workload, and unlike you he doesn’t give me a migraine.” Enrico sighed and leaned back in his chair. “You’re getting new clothes Anderson. For God’s sake you’re wearing rags! Don’t you think you deserve better than that?”

“Nae, Ah dinnae require fancy things, all Ah need es ae sword tae strike down those who insult God.” Anderson said sternly, standing like formidable obelisk in front of Enrico’s desk. 

“You could at least comb your hair more Alex. God’s Judgment can at least afford that luxury yes?” Enrico motioned to his hair, smirking. 

Throwing a hand back instinctively, Anderson scowled as he fixed his unruly head of hair. “Ah just forgot taeday.”

“Of course. Anyways, I’ll have a new order put in for you today, do not try and stop it do you understand?” He pointed a pen at Anderson, who just chuckled. 

“Sure, okay, whitever ye think es best Sir.” 

Taken aback by the sudden change in attitude, Enrico wasn’t convinced, but set the pen back down and let out another tired sigh. “In the meantime, could you please try and find something else to wear? At least for pants? Have you no shame?”

“Hmm? These? Oh come now they’re clean luv, nae one can tell weh made ae mess o’ them now.” 

“Stop.” Enrico raised a hand out and grasped his face in embarrassment. “No, this is too weird. You are literally airing our dirty laundry on your legs it’s killing me.”

“Fine, maybeh there’s ae spare pair Ah haven’t found yet. Are weh done here? Ah promised Heinkel Ah’d spar wit’ her today ahn Ah need tae get going.” He motioned with his thumb towards the door. 

“Si, si you’re dismissed. I need to rest my eyes after looking at you. Go on.” He shooed Anderson away. 

“Tch, sae rude.” Anderson walked up to Enrico and bent down to kiss him on the cheek. “Want tae dae dinner tonight? Ah’ll beh around.” He gave the Bishop a gentle hug, one that the smaller man couldn’t help but lean into. 

“Mmm, sure, but I’m going to make you wear a robe.”

“Deal. Luv ye.” 

“Yes yes, love you too, now get going. I’m sure Heinkel will love to see your new outfit.”


	2. The Straw that Broke the Camel's Back

Enrico’s desk phone rang and he swiftly picked it up without looking from his work. 

“This is Bishop Maxwell.”

“Ahh Bishop! So fast on the draw.”

“Cardinal!” Enrico recognized the charming male voice on the other end instantly. “Agnelli, how unexpected, but not unwanted. Actually it’s very refreshing to hear from you right now.” He set down his pen and forgot about work all together, taking a break for a pleasant phone call. Swiveling his chair around, he leaned back and watched the courtyard outside his window. “I’ve been having quite a day.” 

“Hmm, yes, unfortunately I can crack a guess at why as of a few minutes ago.”

“I, what? What are you talking about?” Enrico furrowed his brow and ceased his relaxed twisting of the phone cord between his fingers. 

“Is your Paladin okay?”

“Oh no did you see him?” Enrico lamented, feeling actual pain in his body from this embarrassment. 

“Is he mentally sound? He is technically very old after all, and I know the Regenerator process is notoriously risky, has he deteriorated or-“

“No he has ALWAYS been this way Cardinal, and I am dealing with it.” He sighed, rubbing his forehead. “Agnelli I sometimes wish we could switch Sections, it must be so nice to work with scholars and historians all day instead of headstrong super soldiers.”

“Hm, hmm, yes, I can see that, but no I’d have to decline this switcheroo I do not want to be held responsible for the abomination currently walking around our most holy Church.” 

“I am not responsible for that!” Enrico shouted, pointing at the figure of Anderson who had just appeared in the courtyard alongside Heinkel who seemed to be willfully falling farther and farther behind. “That idiot did this on his own! I’m remediating this disaster as we speak, I just put in another order for more clothes today.” 

At that moment his assistant returned, looking pale and sheepish as he gently closed the heavy oaken doors behind him. Enrico barely paid him any mind.

“More? What happened to the ones you just got? Our new ones came in today did your shipment get messed up?”

The assistant meekly tried to pique up, to get his boss’s attention, but Enrico was too preoccupied to turn around. The scene in the courtyard was developing, and Enrico had to hold back a self-satisfied laugh as he watched Heinkel animately make up an excuse and scurry away from the fashion disaster that was Anderson. 

“No, it came in perfectly, too perfectly. It was Father Anderson’s own request that he was to not receive any new clothes this year, and yes, he did this without me knowing.” 

“Ah, I’m so sorry, how bothersome to have such a headstrong subordinate. Why such an odd request?”

“He’s an old miser what can you do.” Enrico smiled, twirling the phone cable around his finger, watching Anderson scratch his head in confusion at Heinkel’s sudden escape. “He feels that I spend far too much on dressing my organization and would rather dress in rags.”

The man at the other end scoffed. “Ridiculous. We live and work at the center of Catholicism itself we can’t be looking like paupers.”

“Exactly!” Thank you!” Enrico exclaimed with the thrill that comes with being agreed with. “You understand!”

The assistant walked closer to the desk. “Um, Sir? Sir?” He said quietly.

Enrico turned his head briefly and scowled, waving the young man away. 

“Of course I do! What, you think I’d be agreeing with someone with pasta sauce on their chest?” The Cardinal chuckled.

“Oh it’s awful isn’t it? I’m going to see if I can’t scrounge something up for him until his new clothes come in. That, or hide him away somewhere.”

“Sir, sir. That may be a problem Sir.”

Enrico spun around angrily, covering the receiver with his hand. “What! What is it that you have to interrupt my important conversation?”

“Father Bernard can’t send a new order in! All of Anderson’s measurements! They’re gone!” The assistant flustered, shaking a bit under the angry eyes of his boss. 

Enrico went through a mixture of emotions, ranging from confusion, to disbelief, to realization, to anger. “That, bastard!” Enrico gripped the phone in an iron grip, the plastic casing crinkling a bit from the sudden surge of strength coming from a truly offended Enrico Maxwell. 

The assistant took a step back, frightened. “It’s not Bernard’s fault S-S-S-Sir-“

“I know it’s not! It’s that idiot Anderson! That’s why he was so calm! So nonplussed! He took those files I know it!” He raised the phone in that air and was about to slam it onto the floor, but stopped, and rushed the phone back to his ear. 

“Cardinal I’m so sorry but I have something that just came up that I need to attend to. Do you want me to call you back after it’s handled?”

“No no! You sound quite busy.” The Cardinal chuckled and Enrico mentally cursed his temper. “Attend to your fashion disaster, good luck Bishop Maxwell.”

“Thank you Cardinal. Good bye for now.” He hung up and took a deep, grounding breath. 

“Okay. Thank you Francis.” He said calmly, grasping his hands in front of him on his desk. “In light of this information, could you do me one last favor?”

Francis stood to attention. “Yes! What is it?”

Enrico turned his chair back out to face the courtyard, where Anderson was stretched out on a bench, sunbathing in his hideous outfit. 

“Go fetch Father Anderson for me and bring him here. He’s in the courtyard at the moment.” 

“Oh, okay, I, I’ll do that!” The young man said, mostly to motivate himself. 

Sensing the nervousness, Enrico turned around and flashed his assistant a soft smile. “Don’t worry, he won’t bite. He’ll come right along, even if he grumbles a bit at first. Thank you so much Francis. You are a huge boon to me.”

“S-Sir!” Francis blushed when faced with his beloved Leader’s praise and bowed. “Thank you! I’m, I’m so glad I can be of help! I’ll be right back.” 

“Si, you’re dismissed.” 

The door clunked shut, leaving Enrico alone in his office. He got up slowly from his desk and walked over to his couch, whereupon he lowered himself down gracefully onto its plush cushions. Running his fingers over the soft velvety throw pillows, he stopped at one and picked it up, brushing off it’s surface of any dust daintily, before he finally pressed it hard to his face and screamed bloody murder. 

He screamed and screamed and cursed and swore, the pillow shaking from the sheer force of his enraged cries. Damn that man! Damn that stupid, stubborn man and his insubordinate ways! Why did he have to make everything so damn hard! Not to mention, he had been looking forward to seeing Anderson in his new vestments, how badly he wanted to see how those new pants were going to hug his huge, round, strong ass and blanket that beautiful big solid chest. Now what? Now what was he going to do? Look at Anderson embarrass him and himself for weeks? Maybe even months? 

That man. He truly did abuse his privilege around the Bishop didn’t he?

Suddenly, Enrico stopped screaming, and stopped suffering. Wait, he could fix this now. He dropped the pillow and got up to rush over to his desk. Grabbing his schedule book, he flipped it open to the present date and ran his finger down his list of appointments. There was nothing left for today. 

“Yes! Fantastic!” He shut the book and checked his clock. It was still early enough in the day, they could make it. 

Picking up his phone, he sat down and dialed a familiar and well-loved number. “Hello? May I speak to Signore Romano please? I wish to set an appointment for a fitting today. Yes, tell him it’s Bishop Enrico Maxwell, and I’ll be bringing a friend along as well.”

 

 

There was a series of knocks at his office door. “Come in.” Enrico called, right after he finished buttoning up his pressed and clean black shirt. The doors opened, and in walked Anderson first as Francis was kindly holding the door for him. 

“Aye? Whit es et now?” Anderson stopped in middle of the room, looking at Enrico’s change of attire with puzzlement. Francis closed the door and stood waiting for further instructions. 

Enrico turned around, flinched at Anderson’s awful clothes, and recovered. “Thank you Francis. That will be all for today. Take the rest of the day off and enjoy the sunny weather.” 

Francis beamed and bowed again. “Thank you Sir! I will Sir!” 

Enrico waved kindly goodbye at the young man’s back as he left through his office doors.

“Thank you for coming back Alexander. I have good news!” He clapped his hands together in excitement. “We’re going shopping today!”

“Oh nae Maxwell come on-“

“Si! We are! We absolutely positively are going shopping today and I’m going to treat you!” His smile got strained as he crossed the room and got up right next to his partner. “I’ve made an appointment at my tailor’s, he’s going to take your current measurements and set you up with a proper suit, and then we’re going to get you some new interim clothes until my designer uses those new measurements to make you new official garb! Isn’t that so exciting?” 

Anderson stared down at Enrico disapprovingly, but Enrico didn’t flinch or budge, and instead just smiled back. 

“I know you got rid of your measurement file Anderson. I am not happy.” 

The strong Paladin flinched and faltered just a bit. “Ahh, figured ye wuid eventually. Et doesn’t matter though, Ah’m not going sae cancel yer appointment.” He replied flatly, crossing his arms. 

“Oh no that would be so rude! Signore Romano is a busy talented man! I’m not going to waste his time!” Enrico, still smiling, swiftly grabbed the back of Anderson’s head and yanked him down to his level. “You’re coming with me, now, today.” He growled, eyes becoming sharp and his teeth bared. “You look hideous, I won’t stand for this and all the headache you’ve put me through today.”

“Nae, Ah’m not going. There’s nae point en et! Everything Ah wear just gets ruined et’s ae waste!” 

“It’s not a waste to look good! Dammit Anderson people respect you less when you wear messes like this! They don’t see it as thrifty they see it as senile! Cardinal Agnelli just called me today asking if you had lost your mind! He thought you were deteriorating!”

“Okay one!” Anderson held up a finger right up against Enrico’s nose. “Ah Ahm not that old, ahn two.” He held up a second finger. “Ah dinnae care whit he or anyone else thinks, Ah’m here tae fight, not beh ae model.” Ahn why es he even calling ye about that?”

“Never mind that!” Enrico swatted the fingers away. “What matters is that you look ridiculous and it needs to be fixed.”

“Et’s probably just an excuse tae flirt wit’ ye.” Anderson scoffed, looking away. 

“Excuse me!” Properly pissed now, Enrico reached up and pulled Anderson down by his hair, causing the man to hiss in pain. “Do NOT pile up accusations of me being unfaithful to you on top of your current blatant disrespect! I am looking out for you! I don’t want you seen as a joke! You should be looked at with awe!”

“Ah said Ah dinnae care wit’ they think!” Anderson yelled, tearing away form Enrico’s grasp. 

“Then care about what I think then! Care about how I feel about it! Or does that not matter to you as well?” Enrico shouted, fists clenched and shaking. 

There was a moment of silence between them, and it was tense. Anderson then let out a dismissive scoff. 

“Sae that’s et then. Ye just care because Ah make ye look bad right? Ah embarrass ye?”

“You stupid bastard I am embarrassed **FOR YOU**!”He cried and stomped forward, grabbing the spaghetti-stained patch of fabric glaring at him on Anderson’s chest and ripping it off. “You deserve leagues better than this and you’re too stupid to realize that!” He waved the frayed patch in front of Anderson wildly. “Look at this! A child’s stained clothing! You are the mightiest man on God’s green Earth! You are the most devout and caring man on this awful sinful planet! Who cares if it’s expensive! You deserve more and I want to give it to you!” 

Stunned into silence, Anderson’s mouth moved as if to form words, but no words were spoken. He struggled to battle that earnest declaration, and soon, stopped trying. Chest falling, stance deflating, he sighed, and hung his head. 

“This means ae lot tae ye doesn’t et?”

“I just told you it’s not about-“

“Nae! Nae Ah ken, Ah meant, ahh, never mind. Okay. Ah’ll gae wit’ ye. Ah definitely need at least ae new shirt now. Let’s see ef ye can pull off dressing up an auld war dog.” He smiled tiredly. 

Enrico beamed like he’d just been given an award. “Alexander! Thank you!” He grabbed Anderson’s hands and tugged him into his adjoining room. “I think I have an old coat you left here before, you can wear that out. Sorry about your shirt but I think it looks better now. More rugged. And really who would say no to looking at those beautiful pecs of yours?” 

“Aye, aye, okay Ah got et, calm yerself lad. Save yer energy fer shopping.” Anderson chuckled, letting himself be dragged along. “Ah’m not an easy man tae dress.”


End file.
